Tuesday, July 26, 2005

on sleep, or rather, the lack thereof...

I spend most of my time feeling pretty tired. Fatigue is my constant companion. Even at those times when I think that I'm not fatigued, I have only to close my eyes for a second and then I realize that I'm mistaken. It has become a way of seeing life, I think. There are just degrees of tiredness. One day I'm extremely tired; the next, not so much so; the next only slightly fatigued; and the next, exhausted. What's funny is that much of the time I'm unaware of this.

Certainly, my own choices have something to do with the problem. I don't go to bed early. Even when I have the chance. It's especially tough because once the kids are down (more or less) for the night, I feel like it is now my chance to be free, to read, to talk with Ash, anything. So perpetuates the endless fatigue. This, of course, is in addition to all of the times that I'm obligated to lose sleep for professional reasons.

I've read and heard things that seem to suggest that I'm merely part of our culture in this respect. Chronic sleep deficit is a pretty American problem to have, n'est-ce pas? I keep resolving to change things, but it doesn't come easy. Am I self-indulgent, or is it a mechanism for dealing with stress? Do I need the extra time to release the pent-up stress or frustrations of living in a world of bureaucracy, endless paperwork, malingerers, and the genuinely-needy? I really do feel that my psyche is strained at times.

On the other hand, am I just fooling myself? Would everything just be better/easier if I would simply go to bed? Well, I'm going to bed now.


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